Words

The phone call jarred me out of my peace.  As I answered the phone and listened to the voice on the other end, stone upon stone was hurled upon my heart.  "You are a failure!"  "You will never be good enough."  The taunts continued.  How I wanted to take the phone and in anger thrust it back upon the receiver.

Words.  Words flowing like a flood.  A torrent of emotion overflowing the banks.  Trying to grasp on to truth I am swept downstream in the murk, trying to keep my head above the water.  Struggling against the current I try to reach solid ground.  In desperation I reach out to a tree that has remained anchored on the bank.   Clinging to the branch I will myself to hold on, to survive. 

When the flood finally recedes, I am left to witness the damage.  Where beauty once resided, ugliness has taken its place.  Things uprooted and unearthed in the flood lay gnarled and withered in its wake.  Things have changed, never to return to their same beauty.  Trees downed in the flood will never be re-rooted.  New things will grow, but the landscape has changed. 

Tears flow freely now, it's natural with loss.  But the challenge before me is how to weather this storm?  Flinging stones and becoming my own flood will only cause more destruction and heartache.  Innocents would also be affected.  For a flood always does more damage than can be anticipated. 

The key isn't found in forging the river and forcing it to return to its normal banks.  It is found in forgiveness.  The one throwing the stones may never seek forgiveness.  But I know that in me deciding to forgive the offense will bring healing to my own heart and allow me to follow the steps of the Savior back to a place of peace and wholeness.

An Innocent Spill

"QUICK!  GRAB THE B-B-Q SAUCE!" I said to Caleb who had accidentally let it slip from his hands.  Unfortunately it had landed on the floor vent with the cap off and b-b-q sauce was quickly spilling from the opened container. 

The vent on the floor is perfectly situated for keeping us cool in the summer and warm in the winter.  Many times little feet can be found standing on it to warm up during the cold, winter months. 

It does however, have a major drawback.  Being so close to the kitchen table the vent also collects a lot of crumbs.  Tiny pieces of scraps that fall during a meal, or that are inadvertently swept in the wrong direction by a careless child are quickly gathered into its depths. 

After Caleb grabbed the bottle off the vent I took off the cover to wash it.  What I found underneath the vent cover was disgusting! Crumbs, dust, debris had been slowly building up over time unnoticed.  (Yes, it has been cleaned out several times before!)  But then I began to wonder...how much of my life is like that vent?

Daily I go about my tasks letting little things slip in unnoticed...an angry thought, a disappointment, a frustration with a situation.  Rather than taking it to the Lord, the crumbs fall into the hidden places of my heart and are forgotten.

Over time, my life may appear fine on the outside, but the inside is another story.  The crumbs don't just sit there innocently.  They cause the diseases of the heart to grow, to multiply.  And those little crumbs don't just stay put.  They come out in other ways...a harsh word, a lack of peace, discontentment, a critical spirit.

Just like the vent cover needed to be removed and the insides vacuumed out, so my heart also needs to be cleansed through confession of my sin and the work of the Holy Spirit. 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:23-24

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just

and will forgive us our sins and purify us from

any unrighteousness."

1 John 1:9

How thankful I am for God's forgiveness and grace.  Now, if I'd only remember to have Him check the "vent cover" of my heart a little more frequently!

The Ugliest Cake and a Lesson on Forgiveness

The day before MaryElise turned three I wasn't feeling good. I knew I needed a cake and I was debating whether to make one or pick on up at the grocery store. Tom and Josiah were headed to the store so I enlisted them to find a cute pink cake for MaryElise's birthday.

Sometime later Tom called from the store describing some of the cakes. He told me about a "Diner Cake". I had no idea what he was talking about. I heard the lady in the bakery talking about a "big cupcake cake" or a Cinderella cake and then Tom said, "Okay, I think we got it covered" and then he hung up. I felt secure knowing he would come home with something cute with the help from the bakery lady.

He entered the house carrying a cake box and I took a peek inside to see what kind of a cute cake he chose. The cake he came home with looked more like a jelly doughnut explosion than a birthday cake. The sides were smeared with strawberry jelly and the top had mounds of icing and globs of jelly. It was the ugliest cake I had ever seen. I responded by going into my room and crying. (Really mature I know) Much to Josiah's credit, he came in and apologized and said it was his idea. He thought the cake looked great.

Throughout the day I couldn't get over my disappointment. I rehearsed the situation over again in my mind and the frustration began to grow. "How could he be so clueless? This cake is ugly. It isn't even pink. Maybe I'll get lucky and the cake will accidentally fall on the floor and I'll have to get a new one. There is no way I want to take pictures of my cute little girl with such an ugly cake!"

I didn't realize how far I had let the situation go until dinner. I can't remember exactly what it was that I said, but Tom's reply was, "Oh, that really sounds like forgiveness". I realized from his tone that I had not forgiven him. I was choosing to wallow in the disappointment rather than forgiving and letting go. God convicted my heart. How many times have we as parents spoken to our children about the importance of forgiveness and here I was holding on to something silly!
In Colossians 3:13 it says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." I had a choice to make and I chose to forgive. (Needless to say, I did take pictures of MaryElise with the cake that we still fondly refer to as the Jelly Doughnut Explosion!)

Mom, Shouldn't You Ask Me to Forgive You?

It had been a rough day. One of my kids had been disobedient and in trouble all day long. Another bad choice by this child caused me to unleash words that were supposed to be of correction, but they were spoken in anger. I was furious. Didn't he get it? In exasperation I walked out of the room. I don't know how he found the courage to do it...but he followed me into the next room.

His next words cut through the hardness of my heart, "Mom, shouldn't you ask me to forgive you?" Ouch. He was right. The words I had spoken were not out of love but out of frustration. They may have been justified but they were not righteous. I wanted to say, "You deserved it" but I couldn't. I had been wrong and I had been teaching my children that when they made a mistake and hurt someone else they needed to ask for forgiveness.

God brought me back to the cross at that very moment. As Jesus hung on the cross, dying for my sins and for yours, He said, "Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

I immediately got down on my knees and asked my son to forgive me. He quickly said yes and we hugged and then prayed together, with me asking God to forgive me for my harshness and asking him to help me be gentle and kind.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But God is a loving parent who is gently teaching me, and so often it is through the eyes of my children.